Be the Friend You Wish to Have

What it means to be the friend you wish to have

Most people know what they want in a friend. Someone loyal, honest, fun to be around, and there when things get hard. But it's easy to forget that friendship works both ways. You can't expect those things from others if you aren't willing to give them.

That's the simple idea behind this lesson. If you want great friends, start by being one. Show the qualities you admire most, and you'll tend to attract people who share them.

The book breaks this down into a few key habits: reaching out first, forgiving, being dependable, and leading by example.

Why being a good friend matters for teens and young adults

Friendships shift a lot during the teen and young adult years. People change schools, go off to different colleges, start jobs, and move to new cities. Friendships that once felt easy can fade if nobody makes an effort.

Many young people wait for others to reach out. They worry about seeming needy, or they think, "If they wanted to talk, they'd text me." Meanwhile, the other person is often thinking the exact same thing. Someone has to go first.

Friendships also get tested at this age. A friend says something hurtful. Someone flakes on plans one too many times. A misunderstanding blows up in a group chat. How you handle these moments decides which friendships last.

Strong friendships are a big part of feeling happy and supported. Having even a few good friends can make tough times easier and good times better.

How to be a better friend

1. Reach out first. Don't wait for others to make plans or check in. Send a text, remember a birthday, or ask how a friend's week is going. Small gestures show you care.
2. Check in when someone is struggling. If a friend is going through a hard time, show up. A simple "Thinking of you, want to grab food?" can mean a lot.
3. Be the first to forgive. Mistakes and misunderstandings happen in every friendship. Choosing to make up instead of holding a grudge shows maturity and keeps good friendships alive.
4. Be dependable. Show up when you say you will and follow through on what you promise. When friends know they can count on you, trust grows.
5. Lead by example. If you want loyalty, be loyal. If you value honesty, be honest. Set the tone you want your friendships to have.
6. Don't keep score. Friendship isn't about who texted last or who paid last time. Focus on building a supportive bond where both people can grow.

For parents: how to bring it up without a lecture

Teens often feel sensitive about their friendships, and advice from a parent can come across as judgment. Instead of telling them how to be a better friend, look for chances to encourage it.

Notice the good things you see. If your teen remembers a friend's birthday or helps someone through a tough time, say something. "That was really thoughtful" reinforces the behavior without a lecture.

Model it in your own friendships. Let your kids see you call an old friend, help a neighbor, or make time for people even when you're busy. Talk about friends who have stuck with you for years and what made those friendships last.

When your teen feels left out or hurt by a friend, listen first. Then you might gently ask, "Is there something you could do to reach out?" That gives them a way to act instead of just waiting.

Handing them this page or the book is another easy option. The Right People Bring Out the Best in You and Forgiveness is for You, Not Them both connect naturally to this lesson.

The bottom line

Friendship is a two-way street. Reach out, forgive, show up, and live the qualities you want in others. The care you put into your friendships tends to come back to you.